What follows is for comedic and informative purposes, so take all with a grain of salt and remember that no advice (or joke) is one-size-fits-all.
- Don’t read. Like, don’t read anything. Especially not the guidelines for submissions when you’re ready to hit submit to that snazzy-looking ‘zine or publisher/agent. And books/stories? Please. It’s not like anyone will ever ask you for comparative titles.
(Note that this post is extremely sarcastic and that I realize some writers have difficulties with reading, be it dyslexia or other challenges. Audiobooks ARE READING. Full stop. And if you have difficulties with reading with your eyes or reading with your ears, I encourage you to keep writing anyway. You have a perspective no one else has and if you enjoy writing, you don’t need anyone’s permission to do it.)
- Don’t edit. Ever. Just send your work in without worrying about plot or punctuation. The editor can figure that stuff out.
(Again, sarcasm. If you have trouble with grammar/punctuation or the like, I recommend seeking out a beta reader/crit partner or critique group like The Critique Circle. Don’t be ashamed to reach out for help. Grammar is not everyone’s strength.)
- Don’t take breaks. Burn-out is great for creative productivity (snark.) In fact, when you’re not creating, you should be thinking only about creating. And plotting. No time for anything but WORK, WORK, WORK.
- Take everyone’s advice—you have to please ALL THE PEOPLE. Bend over backwards to implement all the writing advice you have ever heard, even if—no ESPECIALLY if it contradicts other advice or does not resonate with you. It’s all about pleasing fellow writers, after all.
- Don’t write. Ever. This is the biggest way to succeed at failing. You can only lose the shots you haven’t taken, amiright? Or something like that.
- Don’t take advice or constructive criticism. What do those posers know? You are the only one who should be offering advice. So what if they might be right? This is a matter of PRIDE, people. Do you want to look like you are easy to work with? Publishers might gobble your work right up. Not worth the risk of success.
- Don’t hit submit. You might succeed and then where will you be? Make certain not to take any chances. They could pay off.
- Hit submit too early. On the other hand, you might as well get failure over with. So send that manuscript’s rough draft in. Heck, have one paragraph written? Go ahead and query that baby. Editors will reject that in a heartbeat—WIN!
What’s holding YOU back?
Keep your nose in a book,
P.S. Just a little over two months ’til Death’s Key releases!